Choosing a sperm donor … brains versus brawn?

I’m sitting in one of the many waiting rooms in a private London clinic waiting to see the consultant and I’m suddenly struck by the fact that I am the ONLY single woman in the entire place. I smile to myself as I remember that my flat mate offered to come with me for this appointment – my flat mate is a woman. Having had this thought I realise that being part of a couple of any description would probably be more common than the unusual, and rather lonely, position I now find myself in.

I have to see the consultant for an initial check up and discussion about my options and I’ve also been told I need to see their counsellor. The latter is a rather austere woman, with short grey hair, who asks me why I have chosen this path and how I plan to cope on my own. I talk about my overwhelming desire to have a family, not wanting to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons and also about the strong, loving, family network I have. This last point seems to satisfy her as to my soundness of mind, or if not that, at least to the soundness of my decision. It is true that my own family comprises of parents who were married for 35 years, a sister who has been happily married for over 20 years and a brother who also married the love of his life. Love, commitment, marriage and stability are the foundations I have grown up surrounded by and I know any child I have will feel loved, secure and wanted. I leave the clinic feeling like I passed the entrance exam to a new school. I am elated and what’s more, I have no fears or worries about my decision, it feels like a reality now.  Sadly – I have no one to talk to about it.  I text my sister, who texts back immediately, but it dawns on me that this is going to be a very solitary journey and I’d better get used to it.

The counsellor tells me that I need to pick out my donor and asks me if I will find this difficult, she says some people feel it is a bit like ‘shopping’ and are very uncomfortable about it. I sit there nodding sagely but inside I’m thinking, are you kidding, it’s like Guardian Soulmates but I don’t have to go on hundreds of disappointing dates. If there is one positive aspect to having to use an unknown sperm donor it’s got to be getting to chose all the things you really want in the father of your child. I sign up to a recommended donor bank based in the States. This seems like a good sign, if somewhat ironic, because I’ve always imagined I would marry an American!

I’ve been a member of the site for a few weeks and find I cannot bring myself to look at the options – maybe this is going to be harder than I thought?  I finally sit down and make a list – it seems promising. One thing I hadn’t realised before starting down this path is that any donor being used in the UK has to agree to being identified when the child reaches 18. The rationale for this is to ensure that if a donor has several families (up to ten for each donor) – the children cannot unknowingly meet each other in the future and have a relationship. The downside of this is a real lack of donors.  Having said that,  those who have agreed to ‘ID disclosure’, as it’s called, are doing so from choice and get nothing extra for making that choice. Most of the donors seem to be between the ages of 20 and 30 and it seems a major decision to make at such a young age, I struggle to imagine what their futures will be like with so many children turning up on the doorstep some years down the line.  I am however eternally grateful that someone is prepared to offer this opportunity so that others can have a much desired family.

Having submitted my choices I am met with my first big blow, rather sadly it seems that none of my choices are available in the UK. This is because they all have up to ten families already and the law here puts a cap of ten as the maximum number for any one donor. I find I am now returning to a list of people who I had previously put aside for one, or other, reasons. It’s an agonising decision – do I go for brains, some physical attribute or a solid medical history? Sadly at this point – having it all seems to be out of the question.

 Of course it also occurs to me that any child I might have will be able to find the donor in the future. I want my child to understand, and hopefully respect, some of the reasons why I might have chosen the donor I have should they decide they want to meet him. Not actually knowing anything about the person I’m choosing except for a few details on a website makes that an impossible consideration.  In the end it all gets too much and I decide to leave it and take a break for a few weeks, maybe someone new will appear.  

I sign on every few days but new ‘ID disclosure’ donors are not frequent. I even join another sperm bank based in Denmark but find they don’t offer any photos at all and that seems even more of a lottery than my current situation. Then one day the US site has a new joiner who just jumps out at me – physically he fits what I’m looking for, he is studying for a PhD and most importantly, he is an award winning musician and shows real creativity. It’s an immediate decision for me and although I discuss it with a couple of people, I know this is what I’ve been looking for. 

It is with relief and joy that I put my order in the next day.