To detox or not to detox – that is the question?

I’m home and I’m raring to go.  I’ve been reading all the books, working out what the good and bad foods are, getting my weight to a healthy place and sadly – watching what I drink!  I know that you shouldn’t really drink more than five units of alcohol a week when you are trying to get pregnant but I rationalise this argument on the basis that I am not actually ‘trying’.  That would imply regular attempts with a partner to get pregnant.  If I am missing out on this more enjoyable aspect of the process – I should surely be able to pass on the more stringent dietary requirements too?  Maybe I can just skip alcohol on the day insemination actually takes place? 

Whilst pondering this argument I have my next appointment at the clinic – I haven’t been since May so this will be an initial chat to catch up with my Doctor and agree a timetable.   The clinic calls to move my appointment a few days back which is unfortunate as the appointment was just before a break in my contraceptive pills which would mean I was seeing the Doctor just before the start of a new cycle (a cycle starts at day one of your period). 

When I finally get to the clinic it is day five of my cycle.  The Doctor has recommended three rounds of intrauterine insemination or IUI, which is the least invasive process as it really just involves putting the sperm in the right place during your optimum ovulation time (day 14 generally) – this process is more commonly known as ‘turkey basting’ for obvious reasons!  Charming.  I was surprised to read that IUI often works best with some form of stimulation of the ovaries to produce more than one follicle (egg) but with stimulation comes the very real risk of multiple pregnancy.  I have to admit that I am struggling with the idea of having more than one child on my own.  It seems so mad that I cannot even picture it and when the Doctor asks me how I feel about it – I can only reply that it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.  Which is true.  The worst thing in the world would be not getting pregnant at all.  However –we decide that since I have never tried to get pregnant and therefore have no obvious problems conceiving – it would be good to try to do the first cycle completely naturally.  As I’ve been off the pill for five days now, the Doctor concludes that I am already well into my first cycle.  I am somewhat shocked!  I wasn’t expecting to be started so soon - but on reflection – I’m more than happy.

I go home and start thinking even more carefully about what I put into my body – what if this egg is THE egg?  I feel that there has to be a balance between doing the right thing and feeling comfortable and positive about what you’re doing.  If you stop drinking and start eating brown rice and lentils – but you’re completely miserable and stressed about it – your body isn’t going to be any better off than if you cut your drinking down, monitor your food intake but are still in a positive and calm place.  Clearly there is a happy medium and I aim to find it.  I have cut out alcohol during the week but am still consuming a bottle of wine over the course of the weekend.  If things don’t go well – I will revisit the plan but for now that feels right for me.

Over my glass of wine I happily think about next weeks trip to the clinic - will it be successful?

The last holiday - the end of independence?

A year ago I agreed to go on holiday with a good friend of mine.  We start making plans to go to an event called Burning Man which takes place in the Nevada desert.  I’ve been before and know what to expect but my friend is completely new to the experience.  Burning Man is a mixture of art, free expression and pitting yourself against the elements.  For the 50,000 participants who gather each year in Black Rock City it is a fully immersive experience which stimulates all the senses and seems to have an impact which lasts long after everyone has packed up and headed home. 

It’s an expensive trip which takes a lot of organising and I seriously debate whether I should just put the trip aside and just get on with my baby plans?  After much consideration I finally decide that to get my head into the right space for moving forward – one last trip on my own terms is probably a good thing, besides – I’ve already bought the ticket!

We’ve booked our flights, we’ve booked our RV (Recreational Vehicle) and we head over to the States.  In San Francisco we rent a big Hummer truck and drive down Highway 1, stopping at Monterey, Carmel and Big Sur and then heading back up to San Francisco.  From there we drop off our truck and pick up our even more enormous RV and start the drive east to the Nevada desert. 

As my friend doesn’t drive at all it falls to me to manage the beast of a vehicle which is the RV.  Whilst it is something of a trial, I can’t help feeling that I am passing some test of my own resilience and this is important because I am constantly aware of all the trials which are before me as a potential single Mum and it feels good to know that I am capable of coping on my own.  I can’t help imagining bringing my child on a trip like this sometime in the future – I wonder if they would love it as much as I do? 

We leave Reno, the last bastion of civilization and start heading out to the desert, the dust and Black Rock City so named for sitting in the shadow of the Black Rock Mountains.  It’s a good week, I feel like I’m experiencing a rite of passage, letting go of the past and getting ready for the future.  At 43 years of age I’ve spent a long time doing what I want, when I want it.  The thought of that freedom coming to an end fills me with fear but I am ready.  After one great night out with close friends, I find myself sitting on top of my RV watching the sun rise over the mountains – I feel like I am letting go of something – I think if things work out – I will never again be able to feel this level of independence without the responsibility of another person.  It is a daunting thought, but also, a positive one. 

I have come back to London, somewhat emotional (as we all are) but ready to move on. 

Choosing a sperm donor … brains versus brawn?

I’m sitting in one of the many waiting rooms in a private London clinic waiting to see the consultant and I’m suddenly struck by the fact that I am the ONLY single woman in the entire place. I smile to myself as I remember that my flat mate offered to come with me for this appointment – my flat mate is a woman. Having had this thought I realise that being part of a couple of any description would probably be more common than the unusual, and rather lonely, position I now find myself in.

I have to see the consultant for an initial check up and discussion about my options and I’ve also been told I need to see their counsellor. The latter is a rather austere woman, with short grey hair, who asks me why I have chosen this path and how I plan to cope on my own. I talk about my overwhelming desire to have a family, not wanting to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons and also about the strong, loving, family network I have. This last point seems to satisfy her as to my soundness of mind, or if not that, at least to the soundness of my decision. It is true that my own family comprises of parents who were married for 35 years, a sister who has been happily married for over 20 years and a brother who also married the love of his life. Love, commitment, marriage and stability are the foundations I have grown up surrounded by and I know any child I have will feel loved, secure and wanted. I leave the clinic feeling like I passed the entrance exam to a new school. I am elated and what’s more, I have no fears or worries about my decision, it feels like a reality now.  Sadly – I have no one to talk to about it.  I text my sister, who texts back immediately, but it dawns on me that this is going to be a very solitary journey and I’d better get used to it.

The counsellor tells me that I need to pick out my donor and asks me if I will find this difficult, she says some people feel it is a bit like ‘shopping’ and are very uncomfortable about it. I sit there nodding sagely but inside I’m thinking, are you kidding, it’s like Guardian Soulmates but I don’t have to go on hundreds of disappointing dates. If there is one positive aspect to having to use an unknown sperm donor it’s got to be getting to chose all the things you really want in the father of your child. I sign up to a recommended donor bank based in the States. This seems like a good sign, if somewhat ironic, because I’ve always imagined I would marry an American!

I’ve been a member of the site for a few weeks and find I cannot bring myself to look at the options – maybe this is going to be harder than I thought?  I finally sit down and make a list – it seems promising. One thing I hadn’t realised before starting down this path is that any donor being used in the UK has to agree to being identified when the child reaches 18. The rationale for this is to ensure that if a donor has several families (up to ten for each donor) – the children cannot unknowingly meet each other in the future and have a relationship. The downside of this is a real lack of donors.  Having said that,  those who have agreed to ‘ID disclosure’, as it’s called, are doing so from choice and get nothing extra for making that choice. Most of the donors seem to be between the ages of 20 and 30 and it seems a major decision to make at such a young age, I struggle to imagine what their futures will be like with so many children turning up on the doorstep some years down the line.  I am however eternally grateful that someone is prepared to offer this opportunity so that others can have a much desired family.

Having submitted my choices I am met with my first big blow, rather sadly it seems that none of my choices are available in the UK. This is because they all have up to ten families already and the law here puts a cap of ten as the maximum number for any one donor. I find I am now returning to a list of people who I had previously put aside for one, or other, reasons. It’s an agonising decision – do I go for brains, some physical attribute or a solid medical history? Sadly at this point – having it all seems to be out of the question.

 Of course it also occurs to me that any child I might have will be able to find the donor in the future. I want my child to understand, and hopefully respect, some of the reasons why I might have chosen the donor I have should they decide they want to meet him. Not actually knowing anything about the person I’m choosing except for a few details on a website makes that an impossible consideration.  In the end it all gets too much and I decide to leave it and take a break for a few weeks, maybe someone new will appear.  

I sign on every few days but new ‘ID disclosure’ donors are not frequent. I even join another sperm bank based in Denmark but find they don’t offer any photos at all and that seems even more of a lottery than my current situation. Then one day the US site has a new joiner who just jumps out at me – physically he fits what I’m looking for, he is studying for a PhD and most importantly, he is an award winning musician and shows real creativity. It’s an immediate decision for me and although I discuss it with a couple of people, I know this is what I’ve been looking for. 

It is with relief and joy that I put my order in the next day.

How does the single woman get pregnant?

Having made what I thought was the biggest decision of my life – I found myself faced with an even bigger decision – how does a single woman go about getting pregnant?

I thought it through and decided there are really only three options available:

Option 1 – sleep with every man who comes my way.  This has some potential benefits of course but then it has some major downsides too.  Almost more important than the obvious risks of nasty ailments is the fact that somewhere out there my child will have a father who had absolutely no knowledge that they were bringing a child into the world.   On finding out I imagine that they would not be too happy about the predicament and that isn’t the best premise for fatherhood. 

Option 2 – ask a friend.  I made a list – albeit a short one.  I considered the husband of an old friend.  They had both offered his services some years before when the idea of my going it alone had first arisen.  Unfortunately the man concerned already has four children by three different women – adding a fourth to the equation seemed tantamount to a modern commune.  I contemplated other friends and particularly one lovely man who is single, in his late 40s and is quite open about his desire to have a family.  One night after several drinks and some Dutch courage, I popped the question:  “How would you like to be the father of my child?”  He was surprised to say the least.

He is of course, like many men of his age, secure in the knowledge that he has plenty of time to go down the usual route – meet a girl, fall in love, get married and start a family.  What struck me at this point is that men and women are not so different when it comes to the biological clock.  Men are aware that they can carry on having children well into their dotage – what they don’t seem to have considered is that they still need a young woman to help them fulfill that dream.  Whilst they can be knocking fifty and happily ticking along with their bachelor  lifestyle, they seem to have missed the fact that to start a family they will need to find a woman some fifteen or twenty years younger than they are.   And men, unlike woman, are not in a position to go it alone easily, which renders them not so very different to women in the biological stakes.  Whilst it was not the right time for him, my friend has started to think about it and I have moved on to option 3.

Option 3 – finding a donor.  I finally considered my third option, going to a clinic for a donor.  After much deliberation I realised that I wanted a family life, I didn’t want to have to share Christmas, Easter, birthdays and summer holidays, with another person and as I’m not involved with a man – why complicate matters by adding one into the equation?

I researched a number of fertility clinics and chose a highly respected one based in London.  Whilst many people choose their clinic using national pregnancy statistics I must say that I really chose my clinic based on a friend’s recommendation and the successful birth of her daughter.  I made my initial appointment to discuss the donor options and my next steps.

Going it alone ... the big decision

I am 43 years old, a professional career woman who has lived in London for almost 20 years now.  I have an amazing job, I have my own flat, I have a lovely circle of friends - I have it all really - everything - except a family. 

What can I say – I’ve had a series of fairly disastrous relationships – right men, wrong time - wrong men, right time – you know the story.  After my last relationship ended I finally decided I just wasn’t going to meet the man good enough to be the father of my children, or rather – I wasn’t going to meet him in time to actually HAVE children.   I thought I was fine with that but then last year I realised that I’d been wanting a family for well over ten years - and time was running out.  I was facing the very real possibility that I might never have children.  What I also realised was that the desire to have a family and the pressure of time - was beginning to take over my usual rational ability to assess the men I was meeting and I was starting to look seriously at people I knew were completely wrong for me.

One night, whilst lamenting this dilemma over drinks, a girlfriend said to me “If I really wanted to have a child – nothing would hold me back”.  It made perfect sense when you put it like that - I decided that night that I would stop looking for Mr. Right and just go it alone.   Then if Mr. Right did come along at some time – it would be for the right reasons.

So here I am … embarking on the scariest and most exciting decision of my life …